Relationships Built on Eggshells
Admit it - don't you sometimes (maybe often) think that if everyone would change a little and be more to your liking, it would be so much better for you? A little tweak here another tweak there; stop doing this and start doing that.
You know - that annoying thing your mother does. You really love her, but...
And your sister - if she'd be more responsive...she's such a flake.
Your friend - if he would just like your FB and Instagram posts. You really like him but he's kind of a dick for that.
Your significant other - if she'd be more responsible with her time (that would be nice).
Your teenage daughter - if she were less moody (that would be really nice).
Your co-workers - if they weren't so negative (your day at work would be so much better).
Wouldn't your world be so much shinier and full of rainbows if everyone was the version of what you wanted them to be? You know, more like your dog - more loveable, sweeter, cooperative and always eager to please you? Like...all the time!
It's easy to love your dog because he mostly does what you want him to do and when he doesn't, it's cute - because you know, he has four legs, is furry, adores you and licks your face after he licks his butt. You know, the kind of love you just can't anywhere else.
I hate to break it to you (I don't really) but you're part of the problem. You get what you expect, and often what you want isn't the same thing as you expect. (Think about that one).
It's not up to them to change, it's up to you to perceive them differently.
Let's consider a few questions:
Typically, what are the things you notice most about those people you'd like to change - the things you'd like them to change or the things you easily appreciate about them?
Do you pay more attention to what you perceive as "positive" aspects, traits or qualities or what you perceive as "negative" or less-likable qualities? Or maybe you do both.
What do you think you're tuned to about them - what you like or dislike?
Who do you expect them to be - just as they've always been, or do you show up open to discovering new possibilities about them?
Are you looking for the best in them or are you looking for their flaws?
When you think about them are your thoughts more about what you love or more about what you wish they'd change?
If you talk about them is your conversation more about the way they are that you wish would change, or are you sharing more about the way they are that you love and enjoy?
When you talk or think about your dog - what do you most often say and think about your furry friend?
Is there a difference between what you say and how you feel about your dog and what you say and how you feel about the people in your life?
Beside the obvious that its your pet vs. a human, the principle still applies: What you talk and think about, how you feel and therefore what you expect, is what you magnetize.
You're not going to get the best of people if you look for the worst.
They're not going to change anytime soon if you keep perceiving them as you always have.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO MEET YOU RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE ABOUT THEM.
While it would be so much easier if they would modify themselves to be more to your liking, that's a powerless stance for you to take. Some will change their ways because of your demands and some won't.
You're not ever going to find a person who's your version of perfect all of the time, unless you're the one who's tuning yourself to their perfection as they are - not needing them to change, not needing them to be different and not needing to fix them in any way.
When they're not being that perfect version that you want (need) them to be - thank them - they've just done you a favor. They've highlighted for you through their words or behavior something that you are tuned-to about them - something you expect, something you believe, and something you think and feel about them.
THIS IS YOUR CUE TO MAKE IT MORE ABOUT TAKING THE CREDIT OF HOW YOU'RE ACCUSTOMED TO THINKING ABOUT THEM RATHER THAN YOUR PROMPT TO AFFIRM AGAIN THAT YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THEM.
Rather than affirm your rightness, you could just as fittingly say to them, "Thank you for your all-ness. Thank you for being all of you and showing me what I'm tuned to about you - what I've practiced well when it comes to you. Some of who-you-are causes me to feel good and like you, and some of who-you-are causes me to not-feel-good and blame you, but it's all because I'm focused on you in that way. I could just as well decide to play up what I like about you more often. Thank you for having those ingredients about you that I like less as they cause me to own that I'm part of "the problem" and if you were just a perfect person all the time, I'd never learn to adjust my focus and tune myself. I'd never grasp the idea of live and let live. I'd never discover how to be unconditional in my approach to you, life and others - I'd simply keep demanding the world and the people in it to change (which I may keep doing anyway but will endlessly find futile because I can't change the world or everyone in it).
Don't build your relationships on eggshells by asking someone to change so that your eggshells don't crack.
Start taking the credit for how you feel, what you're tuned to and what you're receiving from others. If you don't like someone (or don't like what they're saying or doing) ask yourself how this is about you. If you're having a reaction and feeling something, it's about you and they're meeting you where you are.
Everyone is multi-faceted and has many ingredients that contribute to who they are.
You're not here to demand people of the world to be different so that you can experience them differently. Instead, experience them differently by tuning yourself differently with the things you contemplate, observe, notice, amplify, talk and think about them.
It's not up to anyone to silver-spoon-feed you happiness, good feelings or good behavior all of the time.
Your personal sense of power comes from knowing you can tune yourself to what you want to experience rather than trying to change someone so that you can have a better experience of them.
Anything else, is just eggshells...