Imagine you have a dog. He's a lovely dog, mostly. You enjoy having a dog around, yes you do. It's comfortable and it has it's perks - like companionship and someone to play with. "Having a dog around is a good thing", you think.
Now imagine that you'd like your dog so much more if he didn't insist on being fed at a certain time, or if he were less selective about his food. You'd also like him more if he stopped whining and didn't bark like a dog. If he didn't leave muddy paw prints on your floor and dog hair on your clothes you'd be so much less annoyed - let alone hogging the (your) bed and the snoring at night while you're trying to sleep.
In other words, if he would change just a little here and a little there, and if he would alter this and adjust that - you'd be so much happier with him. If he were less like a dog and more who-you-want-him-to-be, your world would be so much better, wouldn't it?
Is that kind-of how you feel about your mate/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend?
You like him - mostly - but if he were just a teensy-bit different here and a tad-lot better there; if she would just tweak this thing about herself, your experience of her would be much more pleasant. Omigosh!!! Your life would be so full of rainbows, capricorns and lollipops and you'd be so much happier!
Do you find yourself wishing (demanding) he would change, or wanting to modify the one you're with rather than be accepting and allowing of who he/she is?
If he weren't being his bothersome-damn-self and if she weren't being her vexing-self, wouldn't you feel so much better and like him/her ever-so-much-more?
The point is - if you're going to have a dog, have a dog. If you'd rather have a cat, get a cat.
Pick one you like and like what you like about him but don't keep pointing out why he's not the dog that you want. Your dog will change once you have him - you both will - but don't get him so that you can change him or be under the illusion that he'll be a better dog when...
It's not his job to be a better or a different dog. It's your career to keep finding things you like and love about him.
We live in a world where we're often needing people to be different than they are. We want others to be the way we want them to be believing that our world would be improved if they were.
We create impossible standards for others to live into so that we can be pleased.
We establish rules to control behaviors and assign how we feel to someone else as if its' their job to make sure that we feel good by always being who we need them to be.
How much do you need someone to change before you feel good?
How much and how often do you use their behavior as your reason to be aggravated, bothered or downright livid?
How long are you willing to feel bad while you blame someone else for how you feel?
How long are you going to put up with your own poo-poo about that?
Are you willing to take the credit for how you feel? Can you see that if you keep wishing your dog would be less of a dog you're going to be unhappy and dissatisfied for a mighty-long time?
If you keep needing your mate, your kids, your neighbors or your politicians to be who and how you need them to be before you decide how you want to feel, you're going to keep blaming them and feeling powerless.
No one has the ability to please you all of the time.
No one can be who you need them to be all of the time.
Let them off the hook.
No one has to be different for you to feel good.